I’ve been suffering from a higher level of insomnia for the past 2 nights. I lay in bed freezing, while I should be sleeping, resting, and feeling warm. This is what it feels like whenever I remember that morning.
I wake up to a huge explosion, and a shaking building, I cough too hard because I can’t breathe, the air is full of dust, and I can’t open my eyes at all.
This is what it feels like not being able to sleep at night, as explosions happen by the heartbeat, being able to hear the tanks half a kilometer away from home, the voices of martyrs as their souls leave their bodies, see the wounded crawling for help, and the Apaches firing missiles on people, houses, and whatever that moves within shooting range.
I lived all of this, all of it and still do I struggle, face the fear in me, and stand my ground. But sometimes, I’m back to my normal state, at which I’m sad and heartbroken seeing all of them around me, smiling, living.
I shout, I shout, but nobody’s home, I look deep inside and start to doubt whether it were them or me.
Then I start asking myself, “Should I change like they did? Or did they change to the level that I’m no longer at the same level they’re at? Is it I? Or them? Or is it both of us?” I can’t figure out which party did change, and why do I keep resisting *sigh*.
I just want you to know why, many tried to help, movements, organizations, and even individuals all came to the same result, all became in vain.
Yet do I keep looking for the answers, and opening up a thousand new questions along, yet again, still do I think it’s time I change while the voices in my head tell me not to, they talk to me, understands me, and tell me what to do.
I look around and I start to feel so alone, so left out to the fact that it’s no longer where I belong. I close my eyes, and make duaas in my head asking Allah (swt) to help me be patient enough and deal with hardships in ease.
I open my eyes to find myself shocked by how fast people have changed, the thing that makes all my plans absolutely useless, and then I think it’s time I start planning again from the scratch.
See, you meet people who play roles in your life, in a way or another, those you love at first sight, and those you cant stand by the look of their eyes, so wolfish, so uncomfortable to accompany, and no matter how much you try to avoid them, they become closer faster then you expect.
You wake up then, to find yourself in a totally different world, and it mixes up on you to the fact that you can’t tell whether you’re living a dream or reality, then all what you’ve seen before replays, same characters, same scenario, same everything even the voices you heard in your head, they tell you the same.
In the end, you meet some who hold you close to their heart promising you that it’s going to be OK, while deep inside you know they’re lying. Deeper inside, you strive to convince yourself that it’s OK. On the outside, it’s the opposite, you’re shocked again, and you wake up, to yet live another dream.